Holiday...thoughts and memories!

Thessaloniki............
What you can see in this photo is Thessaloniki...my hometown. The city in which I was born, the city where I grew up and where I have experienced my "firsts", first birthday,first day at school,first friends,first ride on the bike etc...facts which make the city look precious and exciting and relaxing and magical to my eyes.
I was browsing through my blog searching for comments when it hit me!!!! There is nothing in here about my hometown,about my "patriotic" pride,about my feelings towards my hometown and my childhood memories.
I have never been an easy child. Maybe it was because I was an only child,maybe because I was surrounded by a large family and I was their "Benjamin" so everyone was eager to play with me,maybe because I felt loved, this doesn't change the fact that I have been -and I still am, impossible to cope with. I do remember one day vividly...my father (during one of his rare moments of affection) took me to the swings while my mother was preparing our dinner. All the swings were taken and I had to wait. As soon as one swing was unattended I ran to get it....the swing was still moving and it hit me on the face near my right eye....I ended up with 4 stitches and no scar but as strange as it sounds I enjoyed it tremendously...everybody was in panic,everybody was hugging me and kissing me and for dinner I got to eat pizza and a large ice-cream because me,the "poor thing" went to the hospital and I was in pain....in reality I felt no pain,no pain at all!But it was wonderful to be in the center of everybody's attention!!! Until now...every single time I walk by that park I feel happiness rising in my heart and a smile is being drawn on my face...there are zillion memories like this in this city,which bring a giggle or a goofy happiness....is there any wonder that it is my most favourite city in the whole world?
Nevertheless, the city's qualities do not end with my childhood memories...there is so much more to the city,unexplained and unexplored for those of you who have never experienced living in it...
People prancing on the streets talking loudly (talking,not fighting), taverns with people drinking and eating (this is our psychotherapy...when in trouble,any kind of trouble, you take few of your friends and during dinner after your third glass of wine or retsina you start an endless discussion of what's going wrong while others express their opinion and listen or they make long lists of what's going wrong in their lives! of course,after the fifth glass the verdict is that life is unfair and unfortunate but beautiful!!!!), bars where they play music of questionable origin mixing international and greek hits in strange remixes,mostly unknown to the public,coffee shops where you go to get your morning coffee and end up eating your lunch there,as well, ships that became bars and you can combine a small cruise along Thermaikos and a cold drink, parks where at night "homeless" couples have intercourse, a long coast where the book exhibition is held every May and it creates the perfect excuse for a walk with friends or family, the international fair in September which is visited by all kinds of people and most important of all...smiling people...they accept the facts in their lives gracefully....by smiling.
In a Europe where large cities became unfriendly and "cold", Thessaloniki managed to survive and to grow bigger while remaining friendly. People still say "hello" to each other,people still start a conversation with the others because they just happen to sit side by side,people still making silly comments about the weather...it's 44oC..of course it's hot!!!!
What's not to love about the city? It's not only because my home happens to be here but the whole city creates a home environment for its inhabitants....
My boyfriend visited Thessaloniki once last year and since that time his plans revolve around his next visit and he comes from the magical city "Istanbul"!
Now I am wondering....again....why am I spending my time writing these things when I could be outside enjoying the city?????? Because the air-conditioning feels nice in this internet cafe....and because I wanted to take out on my blog this overwhelming feeling I got....
I feel better now....I feel ready to mingle in the buzzing crowd again.....
Until my next "wondering".....I'll be outside reliving memories!!!!!!! After all I am back in my hometown......

The unbearable lightness of being..or is it heaviness?to Alexia...with my love!

For those of you who've read the book by Milan Kundera, the book is not as light as it seems and it talks about jealousy and the human nature both inside and outside a relationship.
In fact the greatest relationship we ever have to live with during our lives is the one we have with ourself.
Ourself is the person we have to live,compromise and cooperate with during our entire life, 12-7-24....for twelve months,7 days and 24 hours!! It's the person we never escape from and lie to in order to cover up our faults and mistakes.Because we know the truth...they say that each person has got his/her own truth but this is not entirely correct. Deep down inside we do know both the subjective and the objective point of view,we just learn (after hard training,I might add) to ignore the little "voices" in our heads so as not to go ballistic at some point.
My example this time is not something I realized by observing only myself , it's a fact that came to me by observing two very close friends and how they behave and interact with the rest of their world.
The first one is the strong one..strong in character,strong in mind,strong in spirit...so strong that no one really dares to stand beside her as a friend and as a partner. She is not so terrifying but she seems so self-confident and she is so cultured that any man facing insecurities of his own would feel diminished next to her. She looks like she doesn't need anybody, she is independent and not even a little co-dependent...is it really so?
Of course not! Just like every woman, every human being she needs to love and be loved, to feel the affection and security that another person has to offer. Would she ever admit it out loud? By all means no...having had her heart walked over in the past and thus,having decided that love brings torture and pain (sorry not love...commitment) she ignored every single bit of human needs (except the one about physical pleasures) and she lived happily ever after....until some lonely nights she confesses that she locked the doors to her heart and now she is trapped not knowing how to unlock them, she yearns for a cosiness and a warmth that is too hard to find. Don't take me wrong,she is happy but despite all of her strength, she is not complete as a human being in the sense of how Aristotle described the human beings,in constant need of human contact and communication...
The funny thing is that me being one of the "chosen" ones,the lucky ones, know how loving and caring she can be underneath that mask of strength and logic.....
Even my friend realizes her qualities and she cannot find a way to break the locks and therefore choses to forget and simply moves on...
The other friend is the sentimental one. Always looking for love, the kind that makes the world go round, always cursing her luck for not being able to find it. Her quest,however, turned her into a freak! After looking for love and having to go through so many disappointments, she is now suspicious of every event. Good or bad, she still believes that it will turn out unlucky and painful for her and her behaviour is sweet but distant, her anger is bitter and revengeful, her heart is open but filled with fear,her mind is certain she will have to spend eternity alone...
Again, she comprehends that this is not the right way to go but her behaviour and fears became a habit,they are under her skin and remain there even after exfoliating in the shower!!!!!!!!!
What does she do? She keeps looking for the love of her life in wrong places at the wrong time! And a new disappointment is the equal of a bottle of scotch and 2 packets of cigarettes! She knows that this means slow death in medical terms yet she claims to have proved herself patient! And she also is loving and tender.....
As for myself....I chose to listen to my friends revealing their "truths" and make jokes or express honest and harsh opinions about their wrong-doings, because judging others is easy and I've worked too hard in order to lock away the chapters where my unbearable light and heavy "truths" lie......

To love another means to lose yourself.....?
I remember these words in a TV series called "Charmed" just before the younger sister, Phoebe, accepted the marriage proposal coming from the love of her life....
But I really don't know what to believe...not about love...I am a huge fan of love, I am talking about marriage.
For me marriage is a bunch of papers that indicate my decision to spend the rest of my busy life with someone else and to share with this person my worries,my problems and children.It has nothing to do with love and it has nothing to do with bonding or feeling any obligation towards the other person. The tax refund, however, is something interesting...
No relationship should be based on marriage...marriage is not a remedy for broken relationships.Marriage is the natural ending.
My significant other has been pushing me to marry him for over a year now...and it's not that I don't want to,maybe I will sometime in the future, but the pressure feels like a stone wrapped around my neck that I have to drag everywhere I go.
The relationship itself has got so many problems that I don't know where to begin. The ideas that women are supposed to be housewives and mothers and to have a job in the real world all at the same time are simply incompatible inside my mind. I am getting married because I need help not because I need the extra burden and suffering...
He doesn't understand my quest for my final position in this society. I am trying to make up my mind and stick to my decision.
I am trying to show him the huge gap we already have due to our distant cultures and the way we were brought up. These cultures and needs and dreams and hopes are merely implants,I realize that, but ,nevertheless, I have been carrying them for 29 years in my mind and soul. I cannot simply wipe them out.
In my effort to unfold every single part of personality I found myself misunderstood and accused of jealousy, hysteria and disregard of other people's feelings and needs.
Where do I begin to explain myself?
I am a 29-year-old woman whose priorities are confused. I would like to build my career and then get married. I want my independence (within logical grounds,of course) and I yearn for the happy and loving family I have never had....And I want to make all these things happen with a person who thinks that women are not equal to men!
I have never been a feminist, I do believe that women are "the weaker sex". We need love and comfort and security and affection. This does not mean that the men in our lives should rule our lives. I feel like the stronger one in my relationship. So strong that in any moment I am able to bring down the stars in the sky for him. All I ask in return is for my personality and my character to stay intact.
I want to hear the three little words that turn women from raging Harpies into quiet sheep..." I am sorry", every time we have a fight.
I don't like the door being slammed to my face and when it happens I want my other half back in 4-5 hours even if I'm wrong. This shows me that there's nothing WE cannot overcome.
I am a difficult person,I am totally aware of that. But I do possess certain soft spots that if one drops me on them, I will find a way to bring down the stars we were talking about. I am more than willing to make arrangements for the apple of my eye to feel comfortable with my lifestyle. But please,please little apple don't threaten to demolish my whole existence. Certain things can't be torn, can't be touched, are not negotiable.
I've tried to understand your TV obsession and ignored my headache, I've managed to compromise with a type of behaviour in front of your family and friends so that you feel that I don't stand out from the crowd that's gathered around us.
Don't tie me down, don't put me in panic that I will be from now on foremost a housewife. Don't impose your opinion on me...prove yourself right and I'll follow.
Once I was compared to the comet of Halley...and it was correct..I can take you for a walk or a flight to gaze at the universe. All I want is from you is to be my burning fuel,the power that pushes me forward...but since I am a comet, if you chain me, I'll stay with you for a moment but not forever, the need inside me to find my original place is so powerful that will break the chains and set me free again, off for another journey.
I want you to come with me and enjoy the ride, it gets lonely going through the skies alone...