And yet another year has passed by...I am breathing through the last 24 hours of 2010 and getting ready to welcome 2011 and through these breaths I am (how original!) trying to balance all the things that I have lived through this year...
First of all, as for its taste, its bitter and sour with only a few sprinkles of sugar which I honestly hope they wouldn't exist or occured never ever because these made the bitterness stronger....I am well aware of the fact that I am the dumb person here but I like the thought that I am going through life using my heart as a weapon and not my brain...brains can cross to the dark side so easily but hearts rarely do,they can only turn from whole into broken or shattered even therefore are more of a soft power for those who can appreciate their value....
Let's take it from the beginning,my dear blog, shall we? And then we will be ready to try to leave it all behind..we will cherish the good moments and throw away all the bad ones....
In terms of education it has been an excellent year!! After 10 months of hard work on my thesis I finally got my Master's Degree on European Studies..oh,what a happy moment that was....the feeling of victory,the glory of achievement I felt invincible...and all powerful...the Superman of Studies but alas! the rest turned out to be my Cryptonite.....
In my professional life disaster struck twice,worse than a lightning...2 lightnings on the exact same spot...at the beginning I started the new school year with promising perspectives and a couple of future plans for a promotion and not only the promotion never came but I lost my classes due to serious educational disagreements with my "honourable" boss and on top of that when my health decided to complete the puzzle of misfortune I was left unemployed because I was not physically able to work...
yes, my health...Oh,God! where should I begin explaining the endless adventure of an acute pancreatitis? and the painful surgery that followed after? I have NO words...from the mind-blowing pain to the 20 days in the hospital and the constant starvation I cannot find any words to describe how it felt...(and since I am a "silly" woman I have to point out that there was a silver lining afterall because I lost 9 kg and it was the cheapest diet I have ever done...I had to find at least one good point,right?)
Oh,well oh,well I am simply whinning you'll think...all is well that ends well...you think?are you absolutely sure? I am not dead you'll say..and I have to agree...
It's my Waterloo's turn...the "department" of men and love.....and I've had so many defeat this year that I think even Napoleon would pat my shoulder nodding that Waterloo was merely just a loss....
The "apple of my eyes" has been in crisis of stupidity of stubborness and has caused me a great deal of pain and anger at the same time...He refused to move to Greece because it would damage his career (although he knows I would be suffocating in Istanbul) he got a loan from the bank while I was unemployed and he couldn't even come to see me (no money,honey...what a beauuuuuuuutiful rhyme) and he chose this year,of course not to go on holidays with me...(simply sweeeeeeeeet)
Me..angry,neglected and desperate and lonely I started talking with a friend a bit more...and the few words on the messenger turned into conversations and the conversations turned into phone calls and the phone calls turned into spending our whole day together..now you'd think that my precious didn't understand?no,he didn't because this was an "online" friend...I don't know how and I don't know when and I certainly don't know why I was swept off my feet...from a person I've never seen? yes!I told you I'm dumb,didn't I? I was dreaming and making plans again..I was feeling desired and that I getting attention and care and there,right there on this very big moment of bliss and sentiment the other shoe dropped....he got ill, he disappeared for a couple of days and passed away...how the hell happened you'll say?what?why?from what?now?really?,you'd say...I know I know I've said and thought the same stuff,as well...but after a deeper research...I found out that my heart has been played so technically perfectly played that it turned into a masterpiece of broken pieces with all the colours of tears there can be....I am well aware of the shaking heads right now (you believed an internet guy? how naive! you tried to cheat on your boyfriend?serves you right!) and maybe they are being shaken right and left rightfully but can you imagine yourself living in a perfect dream?laughing and joking and playing and crying and sharing...can you imagine falling asleep on the voice call listening to the other person's soothing rythmical breath and feeling that this is the only place in the world you want to be right that moment? can you imagine all mystery and feeling being wrapped around you making your blood running faster in your veins and your being standing still to listen to the sound of the incoming message before you even read it? can you honestly tell me that if a hollywood-movie romance was dropped off in your life you would have the courage to just let it walk away? C'MON! Am I the last romantic left in this world? I am not even considered to be romantic!!! I spent 10 months living the dream...for 10 months I have cyber-shared everything with this person and now all I have with me is a void on my messenger,a hole in my heart, and a big, shiny, lighting on&off why in my head...wasn't I good enough to keep him with me? wasn't I pleasant enough to make him miss me as much as I miss him? wasn't I clever enough to protect my heart by using my mind...obviously not to all the above...obviously not to all the questions I'm asking myself daily..just picture this..the surgery's anestheasia was my high point because I was too drugged to think or feel...and in this way I am saying goodbye to the year 2010...body broken,soul aching,heart shattered and hope arising...whatever the New year holds for me cannot be worse because I am making an educated guess that this time ONE misfortune will come knocking on my door and if it's not one...I survived..I am breathing through each second,right? I am walking, I am thinking (not always clearly) and I am still capable of loving so...what can bring me down? because now that I am reaching towards the end of this story I MUST add my secret ingredient...I have truly wonderful friends...friends who listen, friends who support friends who do not need to be by my side or at my ear I feel their love and I was lucky to get them...and I have faith that will get me out of my melancholy of crying violins and grey skies and I have hope...hope of the better hope a better year to come...
Forgive me...I am a descendent of Lyric Poetry and Greek Tragedy...what did you expect? I experience everything with a pinch of tragedy,how could I not? but I forgive with a generous dose of a smile...
Goodnight...goodnight my dream wherever you are...I hope that 2011 will bring you a step closer to me...
