Thoughts without Limits

And another year has passed by...

2010-12-30T15:31:00.000-08:00

And yet another year has passed by...I am breathing through the last 24 hours of 2010 and getting ready to welcome 2011 and through these breaths I am (how original!) trying to balance all the things that I have lived through this year...
First of all, as for its taste, its bitter and sour with only a few sprinkles of sugar which I honestly hope they wouldn't exist or occured never ever because these made the bitterness stronger....I am well aware of the fact that I am the dumb person here but I like the thought that I am going through life using my heart as a weapon and not my brain...brains can cross to the dark side so easily but hearts rarely do,they can only turn from whole into broken or shattered even therefore are more of a soft power for those who can appreciate their value....
Let's take it from the beginning,my dear blog, shall we? And then we will be ready to try to leave it all behind..we will cherish the good moments and throw away all the bad ones....
In terms of education it has been an excellent year!! After 10 months of hard work on my thesis I finally got my Master's Degree on European Studies..oh,what a happy moment that was....the feeling of victory,the glory of achievement I felt invincible...and all powerful...the Superman of Studies but alas! the rest turned out to be my Cryptonite.....
In my professional life disaster struck twice,worse than a lightning...2 lightnings on the exact same spot...at the beginning I started the new school year with promising perspectives and a couple of future plans for a promotion and not only the promotion never came but I lost my classes due to serious educational disagreements with my "honourable" boss and on top of that when my health decided to complete the puzzle of misfortune I was left unemployed because I was not physically able to work...
yes, my health...Oh,God! where should I begin explaining the endless adventure of an acute pancreatitis? and the painful surgery that followed after? I have NO words...from the mind-blowing pain to the 20 days in the hospital and the constant starvation I cannot find any words to describe how it felt...(and since I am a "silly" woman I have to point out that there was a silver lining afterall because I lost 9 kg and it was the cheapest diet I have ever done...I had to find at least one good point,right?)
Oh,well oh,well I am simply whinning you'll think...all is well that ends well...you think?are you absolutely sure? I am not dead you'll say..and I have to agree...
It's my Waterloo's turn...the "department" of men and love.....and I've had so many defeat this year that I think even Napoleon would pat my shoulder nodding that Waterloo was merely just a loss....
The "apple of my eyes" has been in crisis of stupidity of stubborness and has caused me a great deal of pain and anger at the same time...He refused to move to Greece because it would damage his career (although he knows I would be suffocating in Istanbul) he got a loan from the bank while I was unemployed and he couldn't even come to see me (no money,honey...what a beauuuuuuuutiful rhyme) and he chose this year,of course not to go on holidays with me...(simply sweeeeeeeeet)
Me..angry,neglected and desperate and lonely I started talking with a friend a bit more...and the few words on the messenger turned into conversations and the conversations turned into phone calls and the phone calls turned into spending our whole day together..now you'd think that my precious didn't understand?no,he didn't because this was an "online" friend...I don't know how and I don't know when and I certainly don't know why I was swept off my feet...from a person I've never seen? yes!I told you I'm dumb,didn't I? I was dreaming and making plans again..I was feeling desired and that I getting attention and care and there,right there on this very big moment of bliss and sentiment the other shoe dropped....he got ill, he disappeared for a couple of days and passed away...how the hell happened you'll say?what?why?from what?now?really?,you'd say...I know I know I've said and thought the same stuff,as well...but after a deeper research...I found out that my heart has been played so technically perfectly played that it turned into a masterpiece of broken pieces with all the colours of tears there can be....I am well aware of the shaking heads right now (you believed an internet guy? how naive! you tried to cheat on your boyfriend?serves you right!) and maybe they are being shaken right and left rightfully but can you imagine yourself living in a perfect dream?laughing and joking and playing and crying and sharing...can you imagine falling asleep on the voice call listening to the other person's soothing rythmical breath and feeling that this is the only place in the world you want to be right that moment? can you imagine all mystery and feeling being wrapped around you making your blood running faster in your veins and your being standing still to listen to the sound of the incoming message before you even read it? can you honestly tell me that if a hollywood-movie romance was dropped off in your life you would have the courage to just let it walk away? C'MON! Am I the last romantic left in this world? I am not even considered to be romantic!!! I spent 10 months living the dream...for 10 months I have cyber-shared everything with this person and now all I have with me is a void on my messenger,a hole in my heart, and a big, shiny, lighting on&off why in my head...wasn't I good enough to keep him with me? wasn't I pleasant enough to make him miss me as much as I miss him? wasn't I clever enough to protect my heart by using my mind...obviously not to all the above...obviously not to all the questions I'm asking myself daily..just picture this..the surgery's anestheasia was my high point because I was too drugged to think or feel...and in this way I am saying goodbye to the year 2010...body broken,soul aching,heart shattered and hope arising...whatever the New year holds for me cannot be worse because I am making an educated guess that this time ONE misfortune will come knocking on my door and if it's not one...I survived..I am breathing through each second,right? I am walking, I am thinking (not always clearly) and I am still capable of loving so...what can bring me down? because now that I am reaching towards the end of this story I MUST add my secret ingredient...I have truly wonderful friends...friends who listen, friends who support friends who do not need to be by my side or at my ear I feel their love and I was lucky to get them...and I have faith that will get me out of my melancholy of crying violins and grey skies and I have hope...hope of the better hope a better year to come...
Forgive me...I am a descendent of Lyric Poetry and Greek Tragedy...what did you expect? I experience everything with a pinch of tragedy,how could I not? but I forgive with a generous dose of a smile...
Goodnight...goodnight my dream wherever you are...I hope that 2011 will bring you a step closer to me...

Random Thoughts

2010-11-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

Sitting at home after a long adventure in the Greek hospitals I started wondering about the value that people have in our lives....Two weeks ago I went through the hospital doors suffering from acute pancreatitis due to gallblader stones...2 illnesses I had no idea what they were until I got to experience them the hard way...the pain was so sharp that even the tube inserted from my nose to my stomach wasn't painful enough to distract me....and then (2 opium sedatives later) I realized I had to notify a few people about where I am and how long I was going to be absent...While making that not-so-long list I discovered that there were people very dear to me that didn't even want to talk to them and this mere fact hit me so strange but so strange that gave me something to think about during my two-week painful stay at the hospital...
So there I was...stuck on an uncomfortable bed with a 95-year-old woman next to me (who by the way was looking for her mother) looking at the ceiling,praying for my torture to end as soon as possible...suddenly the telephone rings! a friend is wishing me to get well soon I thank her and I hang the call up very quickly...and then another calls and another and another...I switch the mobile phone off and then I find myself wishing for a few people to call me...I won't reveal their names or the role they play in my life but I will tell you that,my dear blog,you can understand how much you love a person not when you are seeking him/her out in moments of joy but in moments of pain and discomfort and although I didn't want them to be hurt by seeing me or listening to me in a horrible condition still their voice would bring me comfort and hope at my most desperate times.
Who says that true feelings can be understood in laughter and in pain is seriously mistaken...I could share my joy with lots of people but there were very few people I wanted to share my pain with.....
No particular reason for all of these...it just crossed my mind and thought that it would be nice to share it...Good night!

Happy Happy New Year! are you sure???

2009-12-31T20:18:00.000-08:00

2010 has finally arrived and so the world proceeds its existence into the second decade of the 21st century...while browsing through the internet I came across something called the 2000's, the most important events of the decade that has just surpassed us...the political events, the natural catastrophies,scientific achievements and many many more list of all memorable human activities that took place from the year 2000-2009, I locked up at home for the first time in years-nearly 19 to be exact- I spend my New Year's Eve looking at all of these gathered info and I try to make a small list of my own. What exactly have I accomplished during this decade?
Well for starters,the decade found me 22 years old and now I'm 31..31...31 Oh,God no matter how many times I say it,I still cannot get used to the sound of it. Not that I feel old or in panic or something it's just that I don't feel that the my objective matches my subjective but that is again a whole different subject and requires another blog (Will I ever decide to sit down and finish my thesis???? I guess not). And then again along with the 10 years older that I got I'm supposed to have 10 years of experiences and to be 10 years wiser..(I can imagine some people smiling while reading this)
The older part I got it! Had no chance but to accept the years as they came....The experiences part I think I got it,too...moving to a different country,coming back,studying and working abroad,experiencing the death of a loved one,travelling a lot,changing jobs, I think my decade was as full as possible "experiencewise" and now my personal favourite am I 10 years wiser?
Let's say that I do not have the same way of thinking that I used to have. I used to believe more in people and I used to make friends easier and I used to try to hold on to them.
THE break-up that I have suffered shorty after we had welcomed the 21st century was a perfectly good lesson about how naive I had been until then. The can of worms had been opened and I had to face it. People are not as nice or as loving as they seem and some of them do try to control you in an abrupt or in a subtle way but the result is the same. Why control you? would you ask and an excellent question it is but I think you know the answer. Because they can get scared/jealous I don't know what else and they want to put you under their spell so that they won't feel so insignificant....wow! I still sound angry,aren't I? The truth is that I am not, I am just sorry that I allowed myself to feel the way I was feeling. I had my heart broken and my pride shuttered and and my self-esteem and respect reduced by 90%...how many wisdom points do I get?
I'm leaving deaths and marriages and the births of my nieces and nephews that filled up my life aside and I am coming to the second wisdom-giving lesson. Friendships...I cannot even find the end or the beginning-no need to argue on this one-of Ariadne's thread.The number of friends that came and went from my life isn't that big but the surprising fact is that some of them went without ever understanding that I've been nothing but nice to them,simply stopped talking to me or simply chose to believe a different version of me than the one that was standing in front of them.Wouldn't you,too feel that it is not the best idea in the world to make friends easily and share a part of yourself with them? Wisdom points +100!
Whoever is reading me right now is thinking "yeah,yeah been there,done that,no harm done,what's your point?"
My point is that we go from New Year's to New Year's without ever balancing out the good moments/lessons/feeling with the bad ones...we think back for a sec,try to get a feeling from the year waving goodbye to us and if the feeling is good,we smile,if it's bad we wish for a better next year. And then we go on with our New Year's resolutions...the resolutions...of course they will be the guide through the newborn year...whom are we kidding?we never used a single one of them! They are are hope,our lighthouse that lead us to go on.
Going back to my wisdom points I discovered that along with several extra bonus points I got extra fear and bitterness points as well (in reality a lot fear points but who's keeping score anyway?) and these are the points guiding my New Year's resolution...so? what do you have to say? Stick to my resolutions?NO First I need to finish the flashback of the decade before I decide to make ant resolution and I did...I returned to my wisdom-free resolutions as my safest choice...I will be going to the gym 4 times a week and not 3, I will finally do that diet that doesn't allow chocolate (which diet allows you to eat chocolate?if you find one,will be happy to receive your e-mail) and I will do all my chores ontime (instead of working on my thesis I'm writing on my blog...excellent start)!
I realized that I seriously need to put my feelings into order and throw away what was not learnt and keep only the valuable lessons...so the question that remains is "Who is getting up tomorrow to go to the gym?? Better on Saturday...don't you think?"

my farewell...part I....getting ready

2009-05-13T05:43:00.000-07:00

I have known all along that the school year 2008-09 would be my last one as an Istanbul resident..the months passed and here I am going through May starting a countdown until the Big Day....
While standing in my living room having a nervous breakdown because of the endless things I'll have to pack, I come across a photo from my first job here in Doga College. Me smiling hugging a bunch of 6-year-olds from the 1st grade. And I am smiling again this time with a hint of nostalgy. I leave the cartons and bags as they are,they aren't going to go anywhere anyway, running through my calender, 17th of February 2005 20:00 pm....
Two girls are standing on the train platform...
around them there are 6 huge suitcases,one large carton box, two parents are standing there and two boys are trying to carry the suitcases and the cartons on the train, the train whistles and the time of goodbye has come...
I have been excited all the way until now. I got a good job in Istanbul, I found good opportunities for a master's degree, I was madly in love and my love was waiting to pick me up from my arriving point, the Sirkeci trainstation,Istanbul.
I don't know why,actually, but after the whistle I started feeling lost and afraid. My mother was definitely ready to cry,my friend Foteini was complaining about the sleeping hours she missed because of our club hopping last night and my father was trying to put a bunch of euro banknotes in my hand "just in case". I am ready to go!!!!!
My logic, that little voice in the back of my head-I hate it,by the way!!- was telling me,"you don't speak Turkish,you don't know anything about the country,you have seen your boyfriend 5-6 times until now and he will be joining the army soon..ARE YOU NUTS?" Ignoring the voice, I got on the train and started waving goodbye with a smile...bye bye..I'm not afraid,I'm happy....
During the 16-hour-ride I smoked 1 packet of cigarettes, drank 4-5 cups of bad quality coffee and refused to look out of the window by pretending that I was reading a very interesting book...Bullshit! the book was boring as hell....and I was nervous...I felt a whole lot better when I arrived in Istanbul and saw Muzaffer waiting for me...despite all his efforts, I spent my first night crying, not out of an emotional outburst but mostly because I had too many coffees...
Time went by, in fact it flew by, he went to the army, I started adoring my students and after a lot of exploring the city, I started feeling like home....I learnt the language, I made exceptional friends, I fell head over heels for this city.
It's strange how the human mind works...I cannot quite remember the worst of times among this pile of cartons and bags,only happy memories come to my mind. The happier the memories are, I cannot help but wonder how the scene of this upcoming goodbye will look like...
I look around me again,trying to convince myself that I made my decision and that just like there were reasons for my coming here,there are equally strong reasons for my going away. That little voice in my head started talking annoyingly again and it is talking for days now, I am not sure how I am going to shut it up this time. 4 years have passed...4 years!!!!!! a newborn child would be ready to go to school by now!!!!!!!
The sun is shining sheding light through my closed curtains making the little grains of dust on my TV dancing and then I hear the muslim prayer filling up the room coming from all directions....I put down my head, nod to the little voice -you have too many things to do and not enough time- and I go on packing...with a hint of smile and a hint of tear running down my left cheek.
The time for the last goodbye is not here yet...not just yet....

When caught in the in-between...

2009-02-27T18:04:00.000-08:00

The in-between...it sounds strange, doesn't it? I choose to call so the state my life is in. People say that life is a large waiting room and me tired of waiting chose to come out of this waiting room in quest of the unknown (or the Holy Grail) but instead of that I got caught in the in-between...
To get things straight I want what the next person wants; a good job, some money to live a descent life, love, friends and family, there is nothing wrong with that, is it? I guess I was wrong, there is someting wrong with that, ME!
I did the planning and the thinking and the dreaming but somehow I forgot to do the predicting!
Therefore, here I am with my MA almost finished, with a PhD I might do, with a job probably on its way, with my family almost happy, with my friends a bit content and a bit depressed, with my quite good boyfriend.....what is wrong with that picture? the almosts and probablys and bits and quites...because nothing is complete, nothing is entirely good or entirely bad and I have to wait for the signs of time to start sorting things out.
The problem is that I have been waiting for these signs for 5 months now and still there is none of them coming and I am running out of patience and energy!
In addition of course, my body and my health (the lunatic) are playing tricks on me...swollen from extra body water, more kilos despite the usage of medicine, allergies appearing out of nowhere although I ate nothing in order to summon them, excessive sleep or excessive lack of sleep... in mathematic psychology these add up to a nervous wreck!
It's no big deal, I know in time everything will fall into its right place but until then I want to stay hidden from the rest of the world! May I ??????

A story that has no clear ending yet..

2009-01-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

I have to get it out of my chest...I really do...I don't only feel stupid most of the time but also helpless and for a woman who is shouting "girlpower all the way!" is not something easy....

You know the classic story... girl meets boy, boy likes her, girl is madly in love and so is the boy.
It's a wonderful story, isn't it?
That's pretty much what happened to me four years ago. The man whom I have secretly been in love with for 4 years decided that he had found the woman of his life and it was not me (of course, of course). I wasn't able and noble enough neither to congratulate him nor to watch him talk about her and how perfect she is for hours and hours. I desperately needed the getaway. So, I grabbed my friend to spend Easter together in Istanbul. And there we were! Our room was excellent with a jacuzzi which we used for hours taking turns in the bathroom.
Finally, having called men names (everything nasty in each and every language we knew) we realised that we were starving. We dressed up and got ready for a night out in the town. Maybe it was the lights, the city, the different environment but I was feeling very daring and seeing the bellboy at the hotel something "clicked" for both of us. Girl meets boy, boy meets girl.
The next day it was Easter Day but for our last night in Istanbul I decided to go out with the boy...the boy was very kind, very sweet and caring. I was charmed. "wait!", I thought, "it's just because you're vulnerable, it can't be true" so, I decided to take one more careful look at the boy and at the city. But this time I got into a bigger trouble! I was not charmed, I was enchanted and swept off my feet.
I made my visits to the city an once-in-a-month routine and I spent endless nights talking with him on the phone. When one morning I woke up having decided to move to Istanbul to be closer to him. Him OH HIM! I started going through millions and billions of websites to justify my decision, to find a reason more practical than I am head over heels in love. The reason came with the form of a job and a potential master's degree. Not at all bad. Five months later I found myself on the train to Istanbul with my coupe loaded with 6 suitcases and my mind loaded with worries about the future but my heart refused to see any of that. It refused to see my mother crying as she was waving goodbye, it refused to see that I was leaving my hometown, my students and my friends behind. The only clear vision during the 14-hour train ride was the image of him waiting for me, the illusion of his smell, the memory of his touch. The girl was absolutely and madly in love. What about the boy?
The boy was ready to go to the army. He thought that once he got back, he would marry the girl and that they would live happily ever after...The boy was,too, absolutely and madly in love.

I hate how the fairy tales end, I hate it! Nobody tells us what happens after Cinderella and the Prince start living together. There is no reference about social or cultural differences and,
naturally, there is no reference of how much they were fighting with each other.
Girl and boy started living together, firstly they lived in a bubble of blissfulness for a couple of months and then he went to the army. The girl was left behind. After she cried her eyes out for days and nights, she realised that she was trapped in a foreign country with no friends, she knew nothing about the city except her house and the school she worked at and she couldn't say one single word in Turkish. She was more alone than ever.
Help started arriving from abroad. Friends from Greece and the UK and Germany started visiting in order to support her and to meet the city, of course. Time passed......the girl learnt Turkish, she wandered about the city and she started feeling comfortable in it. Sometimes she went to another city to visit the boy in the army, to get some strength from a stolen kiss and a valuable hug. Time passed and the boy came back.
The boy? What boy? The boy had turned into a madman! He was demanding, needy, winny and of course a fanatic "Turkish" man. He was prepared to leave the girl alone to go to drink and to celebrate his return with his friends and the girl was left once again behind. Every time he slammed the door to go out the girl was crying and every time he came back tripping from alcohol she was shouting. The boy was ready and eager to continue the fight and very much willing to throw to her face that he had a life in Istanbul and family and friends. She was asking "Do you understand that I'm alone here? that I have nobody else except you?" The answer was always the same " I have never asked you to come to Istanbul and live with me. It was your own choice."
The girl started working like a maniac to forget this answer and she found that infamous master's degree (finally) to get away from him. The girl's heart was broken. Her eyes didn't sparkle out of love anymore and she was thinking "oh,dear one day will come...one day I will show you what I'm made of...you'll see and you'll weep"
Meanwhile, the boy got a good job which kept him too busy for her which was a good thing because she had been busy as well.
The miracle came somehow in this "meanwhile"! The boy still madly in love with her decided to recognise her value in his life and started trying as much as he could to show her that she is THE ONE. He stopped going out unless there was nothing they could do together, he started cutting back on alcohol and he finally told her "Thank God you're here and you're with me! Thank you for not giving up on "us"!" She was deeply moved, the girl felt in love again, she felt a warmth in her heart and left all these "one day I will..." behind.
A year later temptation arrived....hmm..better yet, a year later temptation caught her attention.
A very handsome boy asked to meet the girl. The girl refused at first but the boy was really cute and her heart turned out to be only "glued" back not mended.... She never meant to be charmed by him but she was, she never meant to answer to his "flirts" but after one teeny tiny fight with the first boy she rushed into an answer.
Nights and nights passed with her gazing at the stars looking for answers. She knows that the second boy will only be a better glue for her wounded heart and pride. It is crystal clear that her heart and body and soul and mind desperately need this "mending" but she cannot help but wonder...once she is healed (if she decides to go for it) what will she discover? Once she has her whole heart back again what will happen to her feelings for the "first" boy? What if she falls in love again with him...can she actually do it all over again? Can she or is she willing to put her newly healed pride back into the game again?
Therefore, I beg you dear blog when you gaze at the sky at night and you happen to see a falling star please show it to me before it disappears so that I can make a wish...falling stars know better sometimes and grant us or not the wish to our best interest.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus ? so who is from Earth?

2009-01-11T15:08:00.000-08:00

Hello and Happy 2009! Being late as it is, I have the perfect chance instead of trying to write one of my papers for which I have a strict deadline to try to dedicate a few lines to the women of my life...starting from my awesome grandmother and ending to my facebook friends who I respect and admire.
Today I realised how misunderstood women are. Of course, I knew that but I couldn't grasp the magnitude of this misunderstanding. And also realised how much we misunderstood men. Nothing particular happened it was more of an epiphany than of an apocalypse. I was listening to the endless problems and complaints that my friends face everyday. One cannot stand the winning anymore, the other has him blocked because she feels hurt, another is feeling her legs num from standing by the phone for 2 days now waiting for the damn thing to ring and another one is simply crying, drinking and eating chocolate. I have an endless list of activities cause by male neglection and indifference towards women. All of my friends are secretely dreaming of a man to come and rescue them from their misery a true male vaguely reminding us of Prince Charmng on his white stallion from our beloved fairy tales. Prince Charming... The Absolute Male....strong, confident, powerful, handsome, rich, educated a man on whom you can count to save you or at least one you would be able to share your problems with.
But there is no Prince Charming in our lives just ordinary males that shout at us, cheat on us (sex is the only thing on their mind) , wait on us to serve them, turn to us for solutions to their problems and on top of that keep arguing that they are powerful and they deserve to be the boss of us! What? How? Why? hahahaha!
My grandmother was a strong woman ... financially indepedent (in the year 1920!) very well-educated (she could speak 7 languages) who left her hometown Istanbul to return to Greece all by herself...she found land, she built a house and gave birth to 6 children after her marriage and once she had done all that she was left a widow and then started the race of survival during the WWII alone again with 4 daughters. She used to say "men are worthless but we need them" me, the grandaughter that bears her name, asks "why? why do we need them?" My mother hurried to a response "they protect you" "of what?"
My aunt (her first daughter) spend a life as a widow, as well, having lost her husband at the age of 42. Ok, I thought it's a Greek thing...
My teacher from Milan, Italy was eager to trade places with her husband and die in his place and my friends are despeartely hooked on them, why?....(friends from Turkey, Holland, Germany, UK).
The answer came to me in the form of 2 men.
The first one was my very own boyfriend. He shouted at me yesterday and since then I completely refused any diplomatic solution but his humble apology. The moment he called and asked whether I was feeling any better I felt light-headed and a smile was drawn on my face. "So cute that he thought of me" So cute? So cute? 20 hours ago he told me "shut up, you stupid girl" and I was ready to cut him into the smallest pieces possible by a butcher's knife and now so cute? It's not a matter of love, it's a matter of tenderness. The maternal instinct of mammals comes inevitably with a great need of tenderness and affection and when we receive it we can forgive and forget (well, not exactly forget but surely forgive).
The second one was one of my "old" students asking for my advice since his current girlfriend refused to talk to him on the phone and he was afraid she was going to break up with him. Another endless dead-end conversation about her and that she is tired and busy and she wants to get some sleep and not rumble on the phone for hours consolidating him. At the end I stated clearly that I wouldn't help him and that he should search by himself why she is like this. My declaration was followed by a "why don't you help me?" So much for the powerful men I thought and I went to hide to my "appear offline" in order to get some peace of mind.
There I was cursing my luck this evening when it hit me! They are not powerful, they are not strong...they are scared!
The male role consists of bringing money to their families and of keeping their women happy and satisfied in bed and protected outside. They were never supposed to bring up children, they were never supposed to support their wives/girlfriends psychologically, they were never supposed to offer solutions.
Along with women's emancipation they lost the money-earner's role and the role of the protector and they became just "stallions" in our bed. One psychological shock for them.
Along with women's advanced education they are asked to contribute solutions and understanding to a relationship. Second psychological shock.
Women tired of looking for Mr. Right, discovered the hunt of Mr. Right Now...and males are disposable stallions , interchangable, no more the hunters. Third psychological shock.
Now, add the fact that they never grow up (they all are living and breathing Peter Pans)...what do you get? Afraid people, loaded with psychological shocks not being able to define their role in a relationship. All we have to do now is wait for them to pull theirselves together...
C'mon with what maturity? Would you really expect maturity from Peter Pan? He is still somewhere out there looking for new games to play with Captain Hook or for the new Playstation to come out....
We are left with 2 choices then... One we wait for them to come around , endlessly explaining and tutoring them..Two we learn to close our ears and eyes and let the maternal educational instict to surface and treat them like children.
Our grandmothers chose choice number 2, what about us then? Well we definitely need to lower our expectations when hunting for the proper male for reproduction! (Stupid biological clock stop ticking! he's not here yet!) and make a grand decision...men will be our physical shelter (they give really great hugs) and our girl friends our psychological shelter (girl power all the way).
We will understand once and for all that Prince Charming is in fact Prince Whinning but it still feels great having found one you call your own.
Moreover, for our ego boost "we will always have facebook".....
Good night darling girls, I love you

Stop this madness!

2008-12-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

Greece is going through some terrible times right now. If one follows the press and the media local or international, one will discover the madness and insanity hiding behind those events. The photo you see on your left is the headline of a morning Greek paper which was in circulation yesterday.And the line reads "Out of control".
The unexcused murder of a 15-year-old boy by the name "Alexis" (may he rest in peace) by a policeman fired a series of events which while unfolding turned out to be shocking to all the Greeks worldwide.
Who needs Nero when we have the self-destructing Greeks who offer their cities to the fire and the bombing so willingly?
Let's be fair, it's not everybody's fault but it is our fault for not working together. And the story goes:
One policeman opens fire some say with some say without reason ( I will not be the judge of that) and kills Alexis a 15-year-old boy. The response was immediate other 15-year-old boys protesting and shouting against the policemen to kill them because they are 15 years old,too. Other people and organisations try to protest,as well, in a peaceful way -we will never know- but their protest becomes an excellent excuse for anarchists and terrorists to "mix" with them and express their anger against any kind of government or any form of power.
At once nearly 10 important Greek cities live under the anarchists' regime (it's a huge irony,isn't it?) and the sight of these cities brings back vivid memories of the Greek Civil War. The police could do nothing but stare, frozen by their misfortune and carelessness that started these events. The anarchists/terrorists had the perfect plan!
They hid in the university (if one notices, the events happened only in those cities that have universities) and from there they unleashed a hell Greece had years to experience. Cars bombed, shops burnt and smoke bombs all around. The air had a horrible smell and taste and behind those anarchists/terrorists the plain thieves followed finishing off the half-burnt shops removing any kind of clothes or devices that were in good condition and able to be used or sold in the "black" market. Yes, this is still Greece we are talking about not Chicago or Far West!
I was num....unable to move, think or speak when I heard the news. It can't be true, no it's a bad dream I'll wake up eventually...yes,I will. But I didn't wake up because this isn't a dream, it's the cold and harsh reality. In my mind I tried to go through the streets that are announced as completely destroyed and I think that my heart missed a beat. Nothing's there anymore? NOTHING? However, this proved to be the slightest pain.
Universities in Greece are asylums. Due to the fall of the military regime in 1974 by university students and the courage they showed by locking themselves away inside the universities and resisting to the army that had taken over the country since 1967. If anybody,anybody at all steps onto the university grounds is protected by the police, the army and the law. Only the Dean has the right (and even that with limits) to call the police inside. A fact that our "little" anarchists knew very well and took full advantage of it.
The other citizens couldn't decide, they stayed torn between the death of the boy and the destruction by the anarchists not knowing whom to support. They all shout about democracy and rules but in the end it's been proven that the line between democratic freedom and the break-out of anarchy is very thin and that line is a bullet.
"Democracy died", "The policemen killed democracy" were few of the things one could hear on the streets. Unfortunately democracy did not die, this would mean a strong army intervening and kick their in-need-of-instant-psychiatric-help asses off, democracy was wounded seriously. Democracy suffered a million death wounds under the surveillance of the Parthenon and mount Olympus (ironic enough yet again). The policeman's shooting , according to my opinion, is merely the starting point, not even the cause of all these. Nontheless, I am not quite sure what was the true cause for all of these.
Since 1974 democracy has never been doubted in Greece, since 1974 the country hasn't suffer under an "emergency alert", since 1974 the police has never stepped inside any university campus despite the misuse of the asylum for years.
Today they entered, today the fate of the country will be decided by the Prime Minister and the President, today is the boy's funeral..........
I would like to think that this is cruel joke, a simple trick and when I'll open my eyes it will be gone...
No, the craddle of democracy has wounded democracy and this is real, the country that taught democracy to the others allowed chaos to take over, the country that was proud of its calming state of living lived a terror and cry breezing through the ten suffering cities.
Since I used the word "democracy" so many times I feel obliged to elaborate its meaning: "Democracy is a form of government in which power is held by people under a free electoral system,there are two principles that any definition of democracy includes. The first principle is that all members of the society have equal access to power and the second that all members enjoy universally recognized freedoms and liberties" (Wikipedia)
All members people...all members, all citizens. Just because a group of people decided to fight for "freedom" or "a better future" doesn't necessary mean that the others will lose their right of private property and the freedom to go around the city and the freedom to decide whether they want or don't want a group of people governing them deciding which building they will plunder and loot and which not. In my Greek blog I talked about respect to your fellow human being but here I would like to point out the importance of obligation to the state. Nobody has the right to make the Greek citizens suffer financialy under tha big economic crisis. These buildings, these streets, these cars were a source of income. Also the taxation was preserving them, the taxation of middle-classed citizens who work,pay their bills and rents and give to the country an income. Now we're going to have to pay double and tripple the damage done.
Today is the day of big decisions and extra safety measures. One could only hope that the government will take the right decision and quickly. Because if it doesn't, we will need to surrender the country to the army temporarily. What a chilling thought! The "Generals" governing again, I cannot bear the thought of it. Greece without democracy...can you imagine it? Isn't there something wrong with that picture?
And for what? For a couple of ill-minded people that found an outburst to escape from a much needed medication, I might think.
I would suggest hanging but it's not "democratic" nor "christianic"......any other ideas?

Facebook: a social tool or a psychiatric help?

2008-11-10T16:27:00.000-08:00

It has been almost a year now that I've opened my facebook account and I can honestly say that so far I've been happy with it. I have discovered friends that I thought I lost for ever and I have made lots of new ones that I thought I'd never find. However, while browsing through some of the applications, I came face to face with the "cruel" reality hidden behind the apps! Perfectly normal homo sapiens sapiens were trying to find the other half that's been missing from their lives and what's even more scary..perfectly normal homo sapiens sapiens found a way out for their vices and their sexual preferences.
The things one can discover are difficult to be described..photos of naked bodies (completely naked, I might add), photos of male bodies dressed in woman's clothes, comments that could make even the "coolest" person blush and most important...these are all available to everyone,even teenagers of 14 and 15 years old. There is no age limit to facebook users. As long as you have an e-mail account and you are willing to provide some info of yourself, you can attain a facebook account and browse through all its applications.
I do realise that anonymity provides great power and freedom to express yourself sexually, mentally etc but it should also be done with great caution. We are not talking about a harmless flirt, which -let's face it- can be liberating and self-reassuring for most of us. We are talking about vulgar comments and even more vulgar pictures. I came across a photo of a male body mollesting one "specific" body part, dressed as a prostitute in leather declaring itself as a bisexual and provoking people to comment on that. Nobody had the guts to report abuse of this application so this picture continues to travel happily across the net!!!!!! In the next photo there was a 15-year-old boy that was looking for some love and a special someone to talk to. If this is not madness, then what is?
Isn't there any control or sense of descency on behalf of the creators?
The funny thing is that there are people who are kind and social, with a great sense of humour and a large amount of class and elegance. They write nice things, say "please" and "thank you" and behave impecably! They never are offensive and some of them do try to find a mate for a week or for a year or forever -duration doesn't really matter-in the most honest way.
So far, facebook has been a surprise for me. I have found friends and family members that I haven't seen or talked to for years! I have spent my boring free time playing games and taking tests that were hilarious and truly enjoyable. I have shared pictures with my friends, supported openly several causes such as "Doctors without borders" and everyday I have been given the chance to send my personal message out to the rest of the world. I guess I could say that in a way it's been a kind of psychotherapy for me,too. In an international society which spread us to the four corners of the earth and during an economic crisis that a simple phone call could cost more than an Armani outfit, facebook has been a relief. It generated the feeling that no matter where we are, we stayed connected to each other somehow. We never lost touch, just a few hours of sleep!
Nevertheless, there is the "other" side of this net phenomenon, the "dark" one. Like the flow of the capital throughout our liberal economy market, it is uncontrollable and doomed to collapse. (Oh God, I'm addicted I hope not!) There will be one day one furious parent discovering his/her son's/daughter's secret,naughty life and the persecution will begin. The parent, of course, will never blame his/herself and will be more than happy to find a scape goat. Alas! All will be lost,then....
In fact the question we really need to answer is "What leads people to such a behaviour when networking?What do they have to gain?" The anser could be more simple than you can imagine.
LONELYNESS!
Why was facebook so successful in the first place? Because people have gained the world and they lost each other. Because there is no communication beyond internet. We work 12 hours a day, we worry about our salaries 5 hours a day, we focus on our career 6 hours a day and we drown in this routine deeper and deeper as time goes by. These filthy photos are nothing more than a mere desperate cry for attention and compassion. Since the 20-minute-satisfaction is all that we have been left with to remind us of our humanity, we use it in order to cry for help, in order to validate our existence. Aristotle defined humanity as a state of being through communication, through interaction with each other and this is what modern societies are depriving us of. The funny thing is...we don't have the money to pay for a shrink to tell us what's missing! We have created shrinks and we are unable to use them! The next best thing and far cheaper is internet. I set facebook as an example but there are other cyberspaces where people can turn to. Still the message that we should get is the same. There is an overflow of lonelyness in our well-oiled society machine. We can choose to ignore it until we find ourselves non-human or we can turn to the other alive 3dimensional people next to us and try to cope with them in our real lives.
I used to be proud as a Greek for a lot of reasons and one in particular we have never needed shrinks or psychiatrists because we had friends and therapy included a bottle of wine/ouzo/tsipouro/retsina and a friendly shoulder to cry on. Now,with a dash of disappointment, I see that even the Greeks started taking the path of lonelyness, the path of friendless life. The good news is that we do hold on better than the others but we are about to go down any year now.
Let's go out people and enjoy our cities, our lives, our friends...!!!!!! Life is too short to be consumed in front of a screen!
Thank you for reading me and sorry if I have offended you. It was intentional! ;-)

This day in history,6 years ago...like today

2008-09-05T04:09:00.000-07:00

This day in history Arab terrorists members of the Black September break into the Olympic Village in Munich and hold hostages Israelian athletes,this day in history in 1939 Roosvelt declares USA to be neutral to the World War II.
Six years ago like today one of the most infamous criminals in Greece (Koufodinas) got caught, six years ago like today my best friend got her university degree,six years ago like today I came face to face with death, numbing pain and loss......
My aunt died,my mother's sister who was like my mother in my heart and mind,after a 13-month-battle with cancer.But it was not the cancer that killed her,it was the pain that came from it. The death certificate says it clearly, heart-attack because of extreme pain. There is nothing in there,however,about my extreme pain.
I was waiting for her to die since the doctors took me aside and explained to me that there is cancer in her bones (between the 6th and 7th rib) and that painful days for her lie ahead,that eventually she will fall into a comma and die. It took me days to compromise with the facts and I won an Oscar for my perfomance in the play "there is nothing wrong with you auntie,you will be OK".
I didn't mind the endless race of finding doctors and morphine to ease her pain. I didn't mind the sleepless nights and my locking inside the house. I did mind though that I was slowly losing her and there was nothing I could do about that.
My aunt Anastasia was a widow since she was 45 years old. She had no children of her own,she couldn't have any (long story) and she became my mother since the moment I was born. The motto "parents raise,aunts get to spoil" was never applied to our relationship. My parents never got along well with each other and when they were younger they used to fight a lot. If one adds up the hours they were working and the frequency they were travelling...one comprehends how many years I spent living with my aunt. Her house was a 3-minute-walk from mine so by the age of 7 I could go there unattended and I had a key. This house was my harbour of tranquility,my aunt's games and her natural joyful character were my source of happiness.
She was playing with me as a child-she was my donkey and I was riding her,she was studying with me when I grew older -she was holding my history book the year before I passed my university exams,even though her eyes were closing and it was 5 o'clock in the morning!-she was providing a shelter for me and my friends whenever we had a problem along with heartfelt advice. She made sure that I felt loved and cared about every step of the way.
The reason I grew up to be psychologically healthy and mentally steady is her presence in my life. She taught me that there is no cross humans cannot carry and that everytime I fall I have to get up and get back into the game quickly,there lies the strength and power in every human. She had a very difficult life herself being kidnapped from her home and taken away to Romania for 23 years, she was buried by a bomb which resulted to an inability to have children and when everything was straightened out and came back to Greece she lost her husband and her mother. Surprisingly, she never stopped smiling and thanking God for her life! What a role model!
Even when she got ill, she went through it by smiling and joking about everything around her and she didn't let cancer break her spirit not even for a second.Cancer didn't even kill her,her heart betrayed her. Such a big heart but still broken and stopped by pain and morphine.
Even now six years later....I look up into the sky at night and wonder on which star she lives and where she waves from down to me. There is no way that she left me here alone,unattended without her warm love around me...her embrace,however,is another issue. I still want to run and hide in her arms,in where I was untouchable by pain and problems,in where I was comforted.
It still hurts too much to think that I've lost her,it hurts to know that my children will never get to meet her.It hurts even more that I don't have her clean mind and advice. How could you,auntie,leave me here all alone without straightening my life out first? Why did you go? I wonder what you think about my choices and my life...are you smiling or are you unhappy with them? Are you at all proud of me?
You taught me well,you should know that.There is nothing that can break my spirit,just like it was the case for you. I always try to smile in bright and dark times equally. Just please show me the star you are on....show me to which direction to look at nights while thinking and wondering and deciding,please...I miss you,still.
I wish you a heavenly trip through the stars,my guardian angel...farewell 'til we meet again.

To Muzaffer Alkan....

2008-08-11T01:56:00.000-07:00

It's 11th of August and a few hours ago I said "goodbye" to the man in my life...
When he came to Greece 9 days ago, I was still angry at him for a million reasons and I spent the first days in a bad mood holding a cold attitude against him...but during this time while talking and drinking and eating and drinking,we got to talk. I don't mean the casual talk between a couple about where we will go tomorrow and who will pay the bills and who will wash the dishes.I mean the kind of talk of who we are and what made us this way and,of course,what do we think about ourselves.
He did shock me many many times,especially when he argued that he is almost perfect ( I don't believe that there is any perfection in humans just constant evolution and improvement) and I was wondering at the beginning why and how could he be so narrow-minded and not realize how much better he could become. Until...someone told me to listen not only to the things told but to the things untold just as carefully as the first ones...and what my darling was trying to tell me without words was that he has no hope, he is too much tied to obligations and fears and "shoulds". I realized how much he has changed during these years that we've been together and how much worried he is about the future.Exactly like he cannot understand the things that make me fly,I cannot understand the things that tie him down.I was lost in my own world and not listening or trying to understand with both my mind and my heart.
He has no one to support him both financially and psychologically, people keep thinking about him that he is old anymore (at the age of 28???!!!) and that he needs to build his life around a family,he cannot afford to waste time on studies and homework and that for the society he lives in,his job is totally acceptable and suitable for him. All these things made him turn to another direction of thinking and planning and to a limited way of life.
I was wrong to blame him...I should have blamed his friends,his family and his environment.Now,I only blame his sloth and his weakness to feel that he could make a huge difference in his life.
He proved to be a very practical person (on the contrary of my purely theoretical mind)...he experiences and he understands...he feels and he sympathizes...it's as simple as that.
I am the exact opposite...I feel like a teenager (at the age of 29???!!!) and I am sure that the world can expect great things from me!!!!! Not at all Harry Potter great or Albert Einstein great but still I want success and recognition beyond the medium rates.... so where does family fit into my plans???-the family he desperately wants to have- I have no idea, I don't feel completely ready for such a thing. I don't need examples to imagine a situation and I have a family ready to support me every step of the way and friends that keep telling me that I can achieve a lot in my life and sometimes I focus on these potential achievements and not on anything else.
How will we compromise that?...I have no idea, no plans, nothing at all....but I do know that being the opposite of your significant other is not such a bad thing...I may sometimes end up in fights that remind a bit of a tsunami but it nevertheless brings a small balance to our personality...I go down,he goes up...in ambition,I mean.
The strength that we both have -finally a common point- helps us a lot...but most of all the feelings we share for each other. It's not like I love me,you love me-what a coincidence!!! and not the kind of love one can see in romantic movies that when they kiss violins fill up the atmosphere.
It's a feeling of love with respect and reason,it's a conclusion of understanding and logic,it's commitment and help each other and trust each other kind of love. (It sounds perfect,I know but it took us long time and endless heartbreaks to get here and we are not 100% there but we are working on it.) This is the ending we would like to have,at least.
We had a medium holiday but a wonderful time with each other!
And the reason that I am writing all these things is because he asked me to...he asked me to put online something for him and I promised him I will. I want my blog to say out loud that I enjoyed spending time with my darling, And that I'll miss him and that I understand him a bit. ( I am trying for more,I expect the same treatment)
Bye bye sweetie! Kiss....

Holiday...thoughts and memories!

2008-07-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

Thessaloniki............
What you can see in this photo is Thessaloniki...my hometown. The city in which I was born, the city where I grew up and where I have experienced my "firsts", first birthday,first day at school,first friends,first ride on the bike etc...facts which make the city look precious and exciting and relaxing and magical to my eyes.
I was browsing through my blog searching for comments when it hit me!!!! There is nothing in here about my hometown,about my "patriotic" pride,about my feelings towards my hometown and my childhood memories.
I have never been an easy child. Maybe it was because I was an only child,maybe because I was surrounded by a large family and I was their "Benjamin" so everyone was eager to play with me,maybe because I felt loved, this doesn't change the fact that I have been -and I still am, impossible to cope with. I do remember one day vividly...my father (during one of his rare moments of affection) took me to the swings while my mother was preparing our dinner. All the swings were taken and I had to wait. As soon as one swing was unattended I ran to get it....the swing was still moving and it hit me on the face near my right eye....I ended up with 4 stitches and no scar but as strange as it sounds I enjoyed it tremendously...everybody was in panic,everybody was hugging me and kissing me and for dinner I got to eat pizza and a large ice-cream because me,the "poor thing" went to the hospital and I was in pain....in reality I felt no pain,no pain at all!But it was wonderful to be in the center of everybody's attention!!! Until now...every single time I walk by that park I feel happiness rising in my heart and a smile is being drawn on my face...there are zillion memories like this in this city,which bring a giggle or a goofy happiness....is there any wonder that it is my most favourite city in the whole world?
Nevertheless, the city's qualities do not end with my childhood memories...there is so much more to the city,unexplained and unexplored for those of you who have never experienced living in it...
People prancing on the streets talking loudly (talking,not fighting), taverns with people drinking and eating (this is our psychotherapy...when in trouble,any kind of trouble, you take few of your friends and during dinner after your third glass of wine or retsina you start an endless discussion of what's going wrong while others express their opinion and listen or they make long lists of what's going wrong in their lives! of course,after the fifth glass the verdict is that life is unfair and unfortunate but beautiful!!!!), bars where they play music of questionable origin mixing international and greek hits in strange remixes,mostly unknown to the public,coffee shops where you go to get your morning coffee and end up eating your lunch there,as well, ships that became bars and you can combine a small cruise along Thermaikos and a cold drink, parks where at night "homeless" couples have intercourse, a long coast where the book exhibition is held every May and it creates the perfect excuse for a walk with friends or family, the international fair in September which is visited by all kinds of people and most important of all...smiling people...they accept the facts in their lives gracefully....by smiling.
In a Europe where large cities became unfriendly and "cold", Thessaloniki managed to survive and to grow bigger while remaining friendly. People still say "hello" to each other,people still start a conversation with the others because they just happen to sit side by side,people still making silly comments about the weather...it's 44oC..of course it's hot!!!!
What's not to love about the city? It's not only because my home happens to be here but the whole city creates a home environment for its inhabitants....
My boyfriend visited Thessaloniki once last year and since that time his plans revolve around his next visit and he comes from the magical city "Istanbul"!
Now I am wondering....again....why am I spending my time writing these things when I could be outside enjoying the city?????? Because the air-conditioning feels nice in this internet cafe....and because I wanted to take out on my blog this overwhelming feeling I got....
I feel better now....I feel ready to mingle in the buzzing crowd again.....
Until my next "wondering".....I'll be outside reliving memories!!!!!!! After all I am back in my hometown......

The unbearable lightness of being..or is it heaviness?to Alexia...with my love!

2008-07-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

For those of you who've read the book by Milan Kundera, the book is not as light as it seems and it talks about jealousy and the human nature both inside and outside a relationship.
In fact the greatest relationship we ever have to live with during our lives is the one we have with ourself.
Ourself is the person we have to live,compromise and cooperate with during our entire life, 12-7-24....for twelve months,7 days and 24 hours!! It's the person we never escape from and lie to in order to cover up our faults and mistakes.Because we know the truth...they say that each person has got his/her own truth but this is not entirely correct. Deep down inside we do know both the subjective and the objective point of view,we just learn (after hard training,I might add) to ignore the little "voices" in our heads so as not to go ballistic at some point.
My example this time is not something I realized by observing only myself , it's a fact that came to me by observing two very close friends and how they behave and interact with the rest of their world.
The first one is the strong one..strong in character,strong in mind,strong in spirit...so strong that no one really dares to stand beside her as a friend and as a partner. She is not so terrifying but she seems so self-confident and she is so cultured that any man facing insecurities of his own would feel diminished next to her. She looks like she doesn't need anybody, she is independent and not even a little co-dependent...is it really so?
Of course not! Just like every woman, every human being she needs to love and be loved, to feel the affection and security that another person has to offer. Would she ever admit it out loud? By all means no...having had her heart walked over in the past and thus,having decided that love brings torture and pain (sorry not love...commitment) she ignored every single bit of human needs (except the one about physical pleasures) and she lived happily ever after....until some lonely nights she confesses that she locked the doors to her heart and now she is trapped not knowing how to unlock them, she yearns for a cosiness and a warmth that is too hard to find. Don't take me wrong,she is happy but despite all of her strength, she is not complete as a human being in the sense of how Aristotle described the human beings,in constant need of human contact and communication...
The funny thing is that me being one of the "chosen" ones,the lucky ones, know how loving and caring she can be underneath that mask of strength and logic.....
Even my friend realizes her qualities and she cannot find a way to break the locks and therefore choses to forget and simply moves on...
The other friend is the sentimental one. Always looking for love, the kind that makes the world go round, always cursing her luck for not being able to find it. Her quest,however, turned her into a freak! After looking for love and having to go through so many disappointments, she is now suspicious of every event. Good or bad, she still believes that it will turn out unlucky and painful for her and her behaviour is sweet but distant, her anger is bitter and revengeful, her heart is open but filled with fear,her mind is certain she will have to spend eternity alone...
Again, she comprehends that this is not the right way to go but her behaviour and fears became a habit,they are under her skin and remain there even after exfoliating in the shower!!!!!!!!!
What does she do? She keeps looking for the love of her life in wrong places at the wrong time! And a new disappointment is the equal of a bottle of scotch and 2 packets of cigarettes! She knows that this means slow death in medical terms yet she claims to have proved herself patient! And she also is loving and tender.....
As for myself....I chose to listen to my friends revealing their "truths" and make jokes or express honest and harsh opinions about their wrong-doings, because judging others is easy and I've worked too hard in order to lock away the chapters where my unbearable light and heavy "truths" lie......

2008-07-22T05:28:00.000-07:00

To love another means to lose yourself.....?
I remember these words in a TV series called "Charmed" just before the younger sister, Phoebe, accepted the marriage proposal coming from the love of her life....
But I really don't know what to believe...not about love...I am a huge fan of love, I am talking about marriage.
For me marriage is a bunch of papers that indicate my decision to spend the rest of my busy life with someone else and to share with this person my worries,my problems and children.It has nothing to do with love and it has nothing to do with bonding or feeling any obligation towards the other person. The tax refund, however, is something interesting...
No relationship should be based on marriage...marriage is not a remedy for broken relationships.Marriage is the natural ending.
My significant other has been pushing me to marry him for over a year now...and it's not that I don't want to,maybe I will sometime in the future, but the pressure feels like a stone wrapped around my neck that I have to drag everywhere I go.
The relationship itself has got so many problems that I don't know where to begin. The ideas that women are supposed to be housewives and mothers and to have a job in the real world all at the same time are simply incompatible inside my mind. I am getting married because I need help not because I need the extra burden and suffering...
He doesn't understand my quest for my final position in this society. I am trying to make up my mind and stick to my decision.
I am trying to show him the huge gap we already have due to our distant cultures and the way we were brought up. These cultures and needs and dreams and hopes are merely implants,I realize that, but ,nevertheless, I have been carrying them for 29 years in my mind and soul. I cannot simply wipe them out.
In my effort to unfold every single part of personality I found myself misunderstood and accused of jealousy, hysteria and disregard of other people's feelings and needs.
Where do I begin to explain myself?
I am a 29-year-old woman whose priorities are confused. I would like to build my career and then get married. I want my independence (within logical grounds,of course) and I yearn for the happy and loving family I have never had....And I want to make all these things happen with a person who thinks that women are not equal to men!
I have never been a feminist, I do believe that women are "the weaker sex". We need love and comfort and security and affection. This does not mean that the men in our lives should rule our lives. I feel like the stronger one in my relationship. So strong that in any moment I am able to bring down the stars in the sky for him. All I ask in return is for my personality and my character to stay intact.
I want to hear the three little words that turn women from raging Harpies into quiet sheep..." I am sorry", every time we have a fight.
I don't like the door being slammed to my face and when it happens I want my other half back in 4-5 hours even if I'm wrong. This shows me that there's nothing WE cannot overcome.
I am a difficult person,I am totally aware of that. But I do possess certain soft spots that if one drops me on them, I will find a way to bring down the stars we were talking about. I am more than willing to make arrangements for the apple of my eye to feel comfortable with my lifestyle. But please,please little apple don't threaten to demolish my whole existence. Certain things can't be torn, can't be touched, are not negotiable.
I've tried to understand your TV obsession and ignored my headache, I've managed to compromise with a type of behaviour in front of your family and friends so that you feel that I don't stand out from the crowd that's gathered around us.
Don't tie me down, don't put me in panic that I will be from now on foremost a housewife. Don't impose your opinion on me...prove yourself right and I'll follow.
Once I was compared to the comet of Halley...and it was correct..I can take you for a walk or a flight to gaze at the universe. All I want is from you is to be my burning fuel,the power that pushes me forward...but since I am a comet, if you chain me, I'll stay with you for a moment but not forever, the need inside me to find my original place is so powerful that will break the chains and set me free again, off for another journey.
I want you to come with me and enjoy the ride, it gets lonely going through the skies alone...

ISTANBUL

2008-06-29T11:00:00.000-07:00

"Istanbul is a very old city.", "Istanbul is a very big city.", "Istanbul is a touristic place."
The above sentences are the words of my Turkish students when I asked them to describe Istanbul. It's OK I thought then, their English is poor and made them say how they feel in Turkish so that I could teach them new vocabulary....unfortunately, my little "experiment" produced similar phrases with correct grammar!!!!
On my way home...(I live in Cihangir, a beautiful quiet place in Beyoglu area) I kept thinking..."these are Turkish people, resident currently in Istanbul and this is all they can produce???"
I am a Greek citizen from Thessaloniki who came to live in Istanbul in an attempt to brighten up my love life,since my significant other lives in Istanbul, and to enrich my academic status. At the beginning, I found Istanbul horrible...too much traffic (you can actually get stuck in a traffic jam for hours), too noisy, too dangerous for a girl alone at night (in the contrary of my hometown which is an excellent example of peace and quiet), too much behind in civilization (10-20 years behind) and filled with people who cannot compromise the temporary way of life with their own customs and religious beliefs....the result? the perfect chaotic city!!!!!!
I remembered my grandmother a true Greek-Istanbul citizen who always longed for another chance to live in this city again and I wanted to talk to her,to tell her that what she remembers is all false, that Thessaloniki is much more beautiful and "living-friendly".
And during my darling's army service, I dared to walk around this city cursing my bad luck for being alone in this chaos,speaking almost no Turkish, counting like a prisoner the days for his return.Then the miracle happened...I was swept off my feet, I was seduced, I was in love....
If you learn to ignore the chaos around you, you will discover a magical city brought back from the ancient times. A city that has experienced the ultimate glory of being the center of two different empires, the Byzantine and the Ottoman. A city that has been through so many changes that it is a wonder it is still standing on that very spot it was originally built thousands of years ago.
There are different smells breezing through the city..the smell of Bosporus and the Golden Horn,the smell of spices brought here from the mystical Orient while the same gentle breeze whispers into your ear the morning prayer coming from the mosques and the bells that ring happily in the churches both calling people to pay their respects to God.
How many people from different races,cultures,religions have lived within the walls of this city? How many other kingdoms have battled for this city in hope that they will conquer it one day? How many people have died trying to defend it? Thousands,millions...perhaps....I don't know.
But what I do know is that they weren't fighting for their empire, they were fighting for this city and for this city alone...
No other people were more hurt than the Greeks the day they "lost" it to the Ottomans...29th of May is still the "black day" in our calender and the year 1453 is still the subject of endless series of books and discussions about what went wrong. Well,nothing went wrong it was the decay of the Byzantine Empire and we were outnumbered by the Ottomans. The fall of the empire was something natural but the fall of the city...was unforgivable and unforgettable....
Istanbul is the "queen" of the cities just like Rome is the "eternal" city and it proves it everyday by showing to my foreigner's eyes how many beauties there are to see even though it has been my home for almost three years now....
I curse my luck even now for being here and I miss the comforting quiet of my hometown but deep down inside of me I know that the city stole a part of my heart and it will never return it. Wherever I go this piece will stay here...cruising along Bosporus and wondering around the seven hills...
Deep down inside me I know that I fell in love with this city, that I have the city's heart in my heart and I'll carry it around with me always....
"Yes, grandma you were right, I would love for another chance to live in this city,as well...but currently it is impossible just like it was for yourself"
So, in what state of mind did my students describe this city so poorly, so plainly? It was built, it was born for lyrical hymns not for bad quality English lacking imagination...me,as a foreigner, I can see that...why can't they?
Maybe they are too young, maybe they were stressed by their teacher's assignment but still they are inexcusable...
From now on I know that even though I'll go and live in the comfort of my "European" places, I will have my mind's eyes turned here and my imagination dropping by for a visit....
I blame that little piece of my heart that was stolen and was never returned.....

Love is not enough. It must be the foundation, the cornerstone - but not the complete structure. It is much too pliable, too yielding. Bette Davis

2008-06-29T10:11:00.000-07:00

Love is a subject that has been most commented and thought upon by all kinds of people like teenagers,scientists and philosophers.
Everyone seems to think that love either exists and rules in gigantic proportions our lives or it is a mere illusion of our hormones and our humble human need of companionship.
What if it's neither of them, what if it's just a human feeling that comes and goes like hunger or thirst. We love someone because he/she looks very appealing, we crave for his/her presence just like we crave for a sandwich or an ice-cream and once this "craving" feeling is gone, our feeling vanishes as well.
In consequence, I cannot help but wonder "what makes people stick to each other,die for each other?"
The truth is I cannot know,since I'm neither a scientist nor a philosopher (at least a dignified one). I have loved, I have loved and lost with all kinds of love in the available spectrum of loving feelings. Family, friends, boyfriend, pets, other people's pets, lessons etc...And each time I believed that this love was going to last forever and each time I was convinced,beyond any doubt, that I made the right choice.
The funny thing is that once the object of my affection was removed from my life, I mourned for a short time and continued living my life as if nothing had happened with the only proof of my adventure a slight pinch of pain in my heart.
Here I am now, loving passionately a man and my family and some dear friends and my studies...but having,keeping all these in my life is, I'm afraid, impossible since their geography is incompatible with each other.
Which brings me to my main question....how do you choose one love over another?
For me it's obvious! I'll keep studying,I'll visit my scattered friends, spend as much time as I can with my family and I'll marry the man....
Now I am confused regarding the order I have to perform these remedies to my incompatible loves!
At the peak of my frustration it comes to me...how easy would it be to leave everything behind and continue pursuing new loves in my life that will take the place of my current ones????
And then again I realise that I am attached to them...I cannot let go...I would be devastated....because we can easily substitute a love that has abandoned us but not an existing and alive love that we hold in our hands,that is within our reach. When you truly love someone or something you simply cannot let go!
In addition you put more and more effort in order to keep it near you for a longer time....sometimes this effort hurts,some other times you don't even comprehend the effort you've put but at all times it wears you out.....
I can understand how trivial my thought and problems look to you, but these are not problems. In fact these small "brain" battles is what's keeping me alive and well because without them I'd be lost,I'd be leading a tasteless life.
Love is what makes us acknowledge our existence, love is what supports us in our lives (especially when we are loved in return), nothing more and nothing less. But it is a pretty important deal,don't you think?